


A Fear Within

by Fighting4Fandoms



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Dead Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-16 13:11:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20820548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fighting4Fandoms/pseuds/Fighting4Fandoms
Summary: Richie contemplates his life and what he has to do to move on.





	A Fear Within

We're all afraid of something. 

No matter how trivial the fear is, we're all have something that we are afraid of. Some people are afraid of death, some of life but the things that I was afraid of was my fear to love. Not that I was afraid of showing love, it was just that one person. I was afraid to love him out of the fear of what people would say. I wish that I didn't feel this way. I could've had a life with this person. I was afraid to love him out of the fear of what people would say. 

I wish that I didn't feel afraid, I could've had a life with- 

It was cruel that we had such little time together in the space of things. Then, just when I think that I had him back death swooped in and took him away from me. Now, I lie awake at night and hope to dream that he's not really gone or dream of the life that we could have had together. We could have had that life if I wasn't so afraid. I never cared of what people had thought of me before, I had always been an outcast. 

A loser. 

Why was I so afraid to love a man? 

That man was a man who I loved was like no other person that I met. Kind, funny, smart in his own weird way. He was everything that I could have ever wanted and he was the only one that I had ever set my eyes on, even when I had no idea who he was, when all he was, was a faded memory, a complete stranger really. 

That feeling though, that powerful feeling that is love, is such a strong feeling that those who leave such an impact don't really leave. Not really. People who we love that much stay in our minds, our hearts, like carvings on a bridge. 

I try my best to move on but when I lie awake at night all I can see is that Eddie isn't there. All I can see is Eddie standing above me, his blood staining my glasses, his lifeless eyes staring up at me... but he wasn't moving. He wasn't breathing. 

Now though, I'm not afraid. When I finally left Derry again, I did one of my shows and I actually used a script of the material that I had written myself. I told my story and I came out, no longer afraid to be who I was. I told my audience and they were so supportive, I actually gained a few more. For once, I actually felt brave. I told my parents and my mother wasn't even surprised, she always had her assumptions. 

It didn't matter in the end though, I never really dated anyone because there was no one else. Eddie Kaspbrak was my first love and my only love, sometimes I'd see other guys wink at me, try to flirt but I couldn't ever see myself with them. Sometimes I would just pretend that he was alive, but that wasn't healthy. He was dead and there was nothing I could do about that. 

So, when I really think about it, I wasn't afraid to love. I couldn't love. The only person who I had ever loved, and still love now, was gone. Eddie was dead and hopefully not looking down on him and chuckling at his expense. Though, when I really thought about it, I don't believe that Eddie would do that. 

God, I love him. I still love him, and it's stupid.... 

...because he's not here anymore. 


End file.
